35mm Film Scanner

Have you ever wanted to be a suave, international, jet-setting spy? Stop lying, of course you have. What’s not to like about the fake TV spy stuff? Everyone knows your name means badassery, there’s gadgets for everything, every deep cover contact is a sexy swimsuit model with a loose set of morals and a burning desire for hot spyflesh, all bad guys come from suspiciously evil groups and are easily distinguished by some sort of disfigurement… I could go on for hours. “But Frank,” you might ask, “how can I get in on this?” Well, hypothetical reader, you’ve come to the right place.

There are two ways to be a spy. The first is the legal and proper way. Go to the CIA, apply for a job, pass their battery of improbable tests, somehow score high enough to be accepted into the training program, undergo years of physically and psychologically grueling training, then work your way up the spy ladder. Expect to lose marriages, friends, colleagues, possibly get tortured a few times, just for the chance to gather intelligence on some random person. Or you can pretend to be that awesome, based on what the general public knows about spies. Let’s do that one.

Everyone knows spies dress snazzy. You’ll need a tuxedo, or for you lady spies, a fancy-yet-revealing evening gown. Preferably in red or back, with a slit in the thigh (for increased mobility/better tangoing). Next, you’ll need some way to take super secret spy pictures. Because everyone knows that spies always photograph stuff on the sly. Get a mini camera and find some documents. It doesn’t really matter what you take pictures of, as long as they’re document-ish looking. Try to avoid taking secret pictures of people, as there are some pretty serious laws concerning this. Upon returning home (inner sanctum or secret lair), run the film through that there 35mm film scanner and presto, your surveillance is complete.

An important note, though. Do not purchase knives, guns, clubs, or anything that induces bodily harm. These are designed for people of sound mind, good judgement and a lack of delusions. As someone pretending to be an international spy out of their basement, you have none of these traits. Seriously, not even pepper spray. Bear mace is for bears, using it for people always ends in tears.

From the files of Frank, “Tell the FBI I say hi,” Morgan.